Artemis Fowl: The pointless parody of book one
by IvoryWhiskers
Summary: Title says all Compeltely random : Enjoy
1. Penguins, eBay And Afternoon Naps

Disclaimer; Man, you would have thought that after reading my _beautiful _fics Colfer would have signed some contract giving me the right to say I DO own Artemis Fowl! But sadly he hasn't read my fics, my fics are not beautiful, he hasn't signed a contract and I STILL don't own the characters…Bugger. Nor do I own WH Smiths.

Authors Note; Hahaa, I just sorta felt like doing this…Lets call it a spoof, condensed version of Artemis Fowl. Hate me if you want…

EDIT: This was taken down and I have absolutely no idea why, so it's back :)

**-Artemis Fowl- **

**-Chapter One- **

**-Penguins, eBay And Afternoon Naps- **

**-Chapter One- **

Ho Chi Minh City: I am a city people with bad geography skills have never heard of, but I am here and very hot none the less.

Artemis: I am mentioned in the second sentence and when that sentence finishes people are under the impression that I am a childish brat who likes to live in Arctic conditions. Rather like a penguin. I then make an interesting comment, which after getting my readers wanting to know what happened in Cairo divulge no further into the matter and never mention it again.

Butler: I admire the strange child and tell him that a random stranger I have never met who is clearly a twat when he makes an appearance seconds later is a good, truthful man we can entrust our lives to.

Local Teenagers: We have mopeds.

Umbrella: I am not doing my job correctly and am angering Artemis.

Artemis: I now inform you that I am searching for a book, another subject I do not explain. We are only on the second page and Carmane thinks I am a vampire/penguin hybrid who has travelled to a city she has never heard of in search of a library.

Waiter: I am shocked to discover that I am not a waiter but a little boy's pen pal. I am informed about some weapons and feel the urge to drink a cup of tea.

Butler: I am now telling the man I have only just met but trust very much all the different ways I could kill him.

Ex-Waiter, New found pen pal: I haven't got a clue what a fairy is but I decide to show my new pen pal the local alcoholic all the same. I am also being practically held at gunpoint by a man who claims to trust me.

Jeep: I am a pointless jeep moving so slowly that little old ladies with walking sticks are overtaking me. I am later abandoned and am left feeling rather lonely, only waiting to be stolen by one of the moped kids.

Pen pal Nguyen's top: I have suddenly changed from a white silk shirt to a khaki top without attracting attention.

Sprite: I am green.

Artemis: I poison a dilapidated green creature in order to get her book, which I could probably have picked up in WH Smiths for 99p. I then stupidly offer to help her become sane and sober after giving her a bottle of Whisky.

Sprite: I give him my 99p book from WH Smiths and then willingly let him drug me.

Useless information about Butlers and Fowls: I am useless information no one cares about.

Butler and Artemis: We are going home for tea and biscuits.

**-Chapter Two- **

All of First page and most of second: We tell you all about Artemis' 99p book.

Juliet: I am just randomly thrown in at this point. I am also slacking because my sane employers are not home which means I do not have to work.

Artemis: We have our tea and biscuits and I go to see my insane mother.

Insane mother Angeline: I am insane and do not hesitate to demonstrate my madness at every given opportunity.

Artemis: I use my mothers' madness to my own advantage, leave her yelling about things crawling into her ears and decide not to point out that they are probably nits.

Book: I am a book that is not a book but photographed pages, I am also stubborn and Artemis dislikes me. I feel very unloved and so decide not to help the mud child decipher me.

Artemis: I am not an average child because I have not abandoned my puzzling task which my readers have already solved, and I am not an average adult either because instead of slapping the keyboard I have settled for a much more effective method to vent my anger and have thrown it out the window. I decode the stubborn book but am too lazy to finish the job and get Juliet and Butler to do it for me whilst I go and have a little nap.

**Readers with half a brain**: We already know that the hieroglyphics are Egyptian and have noticed that the computer would not have been able to decode the book as it would acknowledge the photos as photos (would you believe) and not hieroglyphics, even if he had an OCR scanner he would have to select Egyptian as the language for it to process the photo's as hieroglyphics in the first place.

Information: I am more pointless information wasting pages.

Artemis: I stop being lazy and decide to read the book, which I will later make a profit on by selling it for £1 on eBay.

Book: I am left alone for eighteen hours before Artemis pays me another visit and then sells me on eBay.

**-Chapter Three- **

Holly: I am a new character and I am angry.

Description of Holly: I am telling you all about angry Holly and her hazel eyes, which are mentioned so many times in the duration of the book they could easily be mistaken for a future plot-line.

Holly: I am angry because Root, my employer whom I purposefully piss off, keeps getting on at me.

Nettle Smoothie: I am an odd drink that no one cares about and am apparently thrown in for a bit of a laugh.

Angry mob: We are very angry and are asking angry Holly stupid questions about stalagmites, warts and blankets.

Holly: I am very late but manage to catch Mulch stealing from his arresting officers pocket.

Mulch: I am also randomly thrown in here and will later be developed into an interesting plot line.

Root: I call Holly into my office and am very angry and red like a tomato. I am also unfair and sexist and try to replace Holly with a sexy but god damn stupid bimbo. I then have a better idea and send Holly to go and get mauled by a troll.

Holly: I am very mad that someone prettier than me might replace me and try to reason with Root who sends me to go and get killed and oddly enough I'm quite happy with the arrangements.

Truculent gnome: I am defiant and lacking in the brain department, which explains why I am wearing a hot-pink suit. I think myself highly intelligent when I think up a witty remark to say to the captain who proceeds to call me an idiot and then buggers off.

Holly: I call a gnome an idiot and then proceed to be very cocky to my friend.

Foaly: I am a sarcastic, irritating, childish, paranoid, unappreciated genius of a centaur but you all love me anyway. I knock the cockiness out of Holly by telling her she is going to be murdered soon by a cow-eating troll.

Holly: I am terrified and sitting in a pea-pod. Oddly enough the pea-pod doesn't blow up and I make it to the surface. I then make a fuss about a set of wings and go for a quick fly through Italy. I find the troll going into a restaurant and display immense stupidity by disobeying a direct order so that I can go get mauled by the thing. We have a quick fight in front of staring humans and then I set him on fire. After knocking out all the humans I decide that it is naptime and fall over.

Root: I, who have so far done nothing but display redness and fury, do most certainly NOT like Holly Short in any way, shape or form but am very worried about the fact that she appears to be sleeping on the floor.

Holly: I am rudely roused from my slumber and am then petrified by Root's redness and consider fainting again.

Small Italian child: I am a small and stupid child and I find the fact that fairies are attaching probes to my family's' heads perfectly normally. I join everyone else for a quick snooze.

Holly: I fail to shield and then make a pathetic excuse up.

Root: I get redder and since Holly has now given me a million and one reasons to fire her don't bother and send her to complete the ritual.

**-Chapter Four- **

Chapter: I start by rambling on about the loch-ness monster, puzzles and keys.

Artemis: I start to inform the Butler siblings about fairies.

Juliet: I am concerned for Artemis' sanity.

Artemis: I am mad with Butler.

Butler: I am very embarrassed and ashamed of my baby sisters' habits of getting me into trouble with my twelve-year-old boss.

Artemis: I scold Butler then continue.

Butler: I am told to go and buy mirrored sunglasses.

**_-Change of scenery- _**

Holly: I am illegally flying over Europe because I don't think I have given Root enough reasons to sack me yet.

Hummingbird wings: We are unfairly being forced into doing something illegal.

**Holly's suit**: Is acting as an electric blanket.

Holly: I am not only flying illegally over Europe but am considering going to Disneyland too. I still don't think I have given Root enough reasons to fire me.

**Strange fairy words with odd accents above them**: We are just here to confuse you as we know that you still don't quite get what fairies are, haven't got a clue what the ritual is and are confused by what magic is so by adding words such as 'De Danann' we are making this easier for you.

**The Irish**: Are considered insane.

**Holly**: Spends a few minutes pondering over whether the cow is a threat and then lands.

_-**Back to Artemis-** _

The four months of stakeout: We are wet, tedious, boring and are backing up Juliet's theory that Artemis is insane.

Foil tent: I am in a ditch.

Jeep: I make a brief appearance here.

Butler: I forget that my boss is a child and ask him why he's moping around like one.

Artemis: I start to say something, which may or may not be intellectual.

Proximity alarm: I flash.

**_-To Holly again- _**

Holly: I take off my helmet - another illegal thing.

Holly's ears: We are mentioned on several occasions and are very sensitive.

The view: I am picturesque.

**This section of chapter**: Is pointless.

**_-Take it Arty!-_**

Butler and Artemis: We put groovy designer sunglasses on.

Butler: I try to shoot Holly.

**This section of chapter**: Is equally as pointless as the previous.

**_-Hit it Holly!-_**

Holly: Despite the fact that I am rummaging around on the floor like a scavenger I notice that someone is shooting at me. I draw my weapon and do a roly-poly into a tree.

Butler: I am beside the tree. I am very mean and take Holly's gun.

**Holly's fingers**: Are like spaghetti.

Me: Who thinks Holly's various body parts are getting mentioned too often?

**Holly**: Is saying stupid things and thinking the obvious for our benefit.

Secrets: We are no longer secret.

The Mesmer: My part is small and unfair and the words I have to use are rather ridiculous, I need a new agent.

Holly: I am shot.

Artemis: I am merciless and sadistic.

Holly: I have - worryingly- only just being acknowledged as female.

Camera: My part is even more insignificant than the Mesmer's.

Holly: I am put into a bag.

**-Chapter Five- **

Root: I am chewing a cigar. My cigars description takes up a whole paragraph.

Foaly: I demonstrate my indispensability by antagonizing my boss.

Computers: We are pampered to bits by Foaly; he doesn't let us smoke. We have nothing against it.

Foaly: Considering Holly is supposed to be my best friend I don't seem to bothered that she has been kidnapped.

Root: I am very stressed and mad that Holly is doing illegal things behind my back.

Foaly: I act like Holly's solicitor for several minutes then refuse to go straight to the point but eventually show boss man the hypodermic dart.

Root: I am now worried, not only about Holly sleeping on the floor, but about Holly full stop. I don't however worry for long and soon set about reactivating myself.

_-**Back to Artemis - What a surprise…-** _

Artemis: I feel we may as well do something a bit touristy whilst we're here so instruct Butler to take me to see the Japanese Whaler - which I hate.

**Butler**: Does as he is told.

Jeep: I am back! I am the one getting them to the docks but do I get any credit? No. That's fame for you.

**_-And back to Root- _**

**Root's belly**: Is fat.

**Foaly**: Is sarcastic.

**Root**: Is scared about travelling in a pea-pod for some unknown reason.

_-**Moving back to Artemis…-** _

Bolts: We are magnetic and hard to open.

Artemis: I have a brain wave.

Camera: I'm back!

The Docks: We are here.

**Artemis' Jokes**: Are lame.

**The Dockers**: Are mummies boys.

Butler: I get to kick butt here.

The Water: I am polluted and have just had someone painfully thrown into me.

Customs and Exercise: We are here. Just after the nick of time.

**_-This is getting tiring but back to Root…- _**

Root: I am shaking.

Fairy Fort: Sorry! No room at the inn!

Root: I am authorotive and wreck the little fairies holidays by making everyone bugger off below ground.

Elf/Goblin Hybrid: I sell my stocks.

**Readers reading book for a second time round**: Vaguely wonder what Elf would be stupid enough to marry a giant lizard, let alone have his/her children. Strange, red-haired green scaly things are brought to mind and we quickly move on.

-**_Ok, lets pay Holly a visit- _**

Holly: I am sleepy again and have a bad headache. I mistake a Lili Frond look-alike for a fly.

Juliet: I am offended but giggle a lot and display false stupidity for a laugh.

Holly: I am intimidated by a name.

Juliet: We discuss my eyelashes for a while then I stop being stupid.

Holly: I am a bit miffed that the human-fly was messing around with me but I have something sticking into my ankle, and as we all know comfort is a much more pressing matter than abduction.

**_-Knocks and Root's door- Hi, we're back!- _**

Root: I am looking for Holly.

Foaly: I have been a bad pony and played computer games instead of updating Dublin's map back in the 1870's, I now get shouted at for doing so.

The Coastline: I - apparently - have changed.

Foaly: I display more sarcasm and come up with a substitute map.

Room full of laughter: We are laughing.

Root: I am being very very VERY stupid and get highly confused when the beacon moves.

Room full of laughter: We laugh a bit more.

Root: I go on a ship and decide to be very manly and threaten a rat. I then end up in a big freezer.

Bomb: I look like I am talking to Root.

Artemis: I say hello and give the fairy man my name.

Root: I - rather surprisingly - shout.

Bomb: I'm going to blow up fairly soon.

Root: IT'S A BOMB!

**Artemis**: Is providing a handy countdown.

**Root**: Is abusing his wings in attempt to stay alive.

Bomb: I blow up.

Polluted Water: God damn it! I have another person thrown into me.

Root: I shout a bit more for good luck.

Foaly: I do as I'm told for a change.

Authors Note; Sooo, what d'you think? Pretty bad isn't it? Please review!

EDIT: Few things changed, but nothing drastic. Will be doing Chapter 3 now! Sorry for the delay.


	2. doggies, Mummy And So Called Pro's

**-Artemis Fowl-**

**-Chapter Two-**

**-Doggies, Mummy and so called Professionals - **

**-Chapter Six-**

Leather Swivel Chair: I am here and I _swivel_.

Artemis: I make an interesting start to this chapter by stating for the second time that I do not like whalers. I practically say that it is Root's fault I knew he was there because he was breathing and apparently have only just realized that Holly has feelings and am now having second thoughts. Am considering going to browse on eBay to calm self, but first I must go and terrorise Holly.

Juliet: I make a dramatic entrance by rudely bursting into the room unannounced and flapping madly around like a grounded bird. I am incapable of completing my sentences and decide not to tell Artemis the only reason I didn't walk in here calmly is because I chipped my nail polish on my mad mistresses door handle.

Artemis: Yes Juliet? What is it?

Juliet: It's…it's…

Artemis: Juliet if you think you are pausing dramatically you are sadly mistaken, now for the last time, WHAT!

Juliet: I am very very distraught about my nail but manage to calm down enough and tell Artemis about his father and insane mother and how she wouldn't let me bribe her into letting me in with a cup of tea.

Mad Mother Angeline: I was not fooled by Juliet's pathetic attempt to come and take my new pillow husband in drag away and have barricaded myself in my room.

Artemis: This news sends me into the male genius equivalent of dithering hysterics. When I finally compose myself I look at my watch and become rather panicky again. Am considering taking up smoking to calm nerves. But first I'll go see mother, then Holly, next eBay and then maybe I'll nip down to the corner shop for some cigs.

Synchronized Watch: I am a Synchronized Watch with Greenwich Mean Time by constantly updated radio signals. My only purpose in this book is to confuse the hell out of the readers and tell the time to Artemis. I do not think that even I understand what the hell I am. Although in other words – I am a very accurate watch.

Juliet's Eyes: We are big a blue.

**Me**: Here we go with the body parts again…just back away slowly…

Artemis: I push myself to the limit and take the steps two at a time. This is my yearly exercise. And I have to stop outside the door to catch my breath. I then proceed to dither about a bit more and then walk in.

Mad mother Angeline: I am talking quite happily to my husbands' replacement – my pillow in drag – when my son/father disrupts our little tea party. I am also wearing my wedding dress and have three inches of make-up on in attempt to fool myself that I am a 16 year old again.

Artemis: What the…?

Mad Mother Angeline: Oh hello Arty! Come meet your new father, Timmy the pillow! Would you like a cup of tea?

Artemis: My mother is clearly off her rocker and I don't stay long after catching sight of the pillow. I don't recall father wearing makeup…

_**-Moving on- **_

Holly: I am faking despair so that I can conceal the fact that I am performing a highly complicated magic trick for my own amusement and pull an acorn out of my boot then hide it again until I can smash my way through a solid concrete wall.

Artemis: I enter very quietly and take up my usual 'I am a heartless bastard' act for Holly again. I then proceed to treat her like my pet dog and request that she 'sit please'.

Holly: **I** am not a _dog_ Fowl.

Artemis: Sigh, Captain Short stop doing that, you'll get cement in your ears.

Holly: How…

Artemis: I know; we're all fluent in your strange language. Oh by the way, I don't give two fucks about anyone but your gold and myself. Sit doggy.

Holly: I sit but only because I am on the verge of fainting. Knees have gone very wobbly and acorn is digging into my ankle again.

Artemis: I tell Holly things she already knows to spook her out; I display my cruel nature by deceiving her into thinking that she betrayed her fellow shrimpy people.

Holly: Hahaa! You're gonna get mauled by a troll! Not very pleasant, they're evil but I recommend setting it on fire.

Artemis: …

**Holly:** Grins manically.

Artemis: I _really_ need a cigarette.

_**-Lets go see tomato face-**_

Root: Piss off, stupid Gremlin.

Foaly: Ooooh look, Root's angry, let's antagonize him more.

Root: I quickly sort Pony Boy out and get down to business.

Foaly: I suspect the Mudboy of being cleverer than me; I point this out to Root who says he does not have time for theories and we have a hurried discussion about Sherlock Holmes and then he buggers off.

Root: We fly all the way over to Fowl manor then I have a tiff with my bestest friend.

Cudgeon: BLAST IT I TELL YOU! BLOW THE GOD DAMN PLACE UP!

Root: What about Holly?

Cudgeon: Who?

Root: The Captain the Mudboy abducted!

Cudgeon: Ooooh, so there's actually a reason behind this? Jeez, Nobody around here tells me anything…

Root: Human idiot.

Cudgeon: …Sooo…Can we blast it anyway?

Root: NO!

**Cudgeon**: pouts.

Root: Awww, I'm sorry.

_**-Inside Fowl Manor-**_

Artemis: Freeze the monitor Butler.

Butler: I decide not to question Artemis' reason for this and freeze the monitor.

Artemis: The LEP's team of super midgets do not faze me and I order Butler to merely hurt them.

Butler: I am given a pair of scary goggles and feel the need to put on a hoodie, this not only hides the disgusting goggles but creates a very threatening 'I'm a jerk who's done nothing/will do nothing with my life! Later I'll come by yours and throw eggs at your window. This will probably be the most intelligent – albeit pointless – thing I have/will ever do.' look.

Artemis: Butler finally leaves and I am able to discover that 'Duckie sex machine12', 'killed by my cabbage' and 'toxic hairbrush' are fighting it out on eBay to win my latest but ingenious scam. Latest scam merely involves displaying a picture of an X-box and then sending a box with an X on it to the winning bidder.

**Latest Scam**: Actually happened to someone and apparently needed to be worked into this fiction.

_**-Outside Fowl Manor we visit the so called "professionals"- **_

Grub: Mummy-

Trouble: SHUT. UP.

Grub: But Mummy-

Trouble: Will soon wish you were never born because you will cost her a fortune in medical bills if you don't shut your cake hole right now.

Grub: Mmm, cake….

Trouble: You're supposed to be a PROFESSIONAL!

Grub: But Trubsie…

Trouble: Call me that one more time and _I'll_ make you wish you were never born! And you might as well do my ironing while you're at it. OK, rest of team check in!

One: These roses smell nice, could we take some home? Pretty please?

Two: Hahaa, Fowl dude has peacocks running 'round! Come here ya little devil…

Three: This bench is comfy, I'm just gonna have a little nap.

Five: I am enthusiastic and apparently cannot count as I seem to think five comes after three.

Static Silence: I am silently static.

Trouble: Ok big human at twelve o'clock, Grubsie, I mean Corporal, go check four's vitals rest of you make a hole … Metaphorical hole! Two, get out of the flowerbed!

Bushes: That's it Grubsie, just shove random nameless people into us, we don't mind at all. Even Bushes have feelings you know!

Trouble: Good boy Grubby, good- Oh bollocking hell.

Butler: I move into a tactical position and am very sexist and say 'evening gentlemen' which is unfair, as Holly has not informed me that she is the only female on the force. Even though she isn't because there's corporal Lili Frond. But I don't know any of this.

Trouble: I loose my cool for the first time and start screaming, reducing my fans to slamming their head against the book because of my shameful stupidity.

Chapter: We go back a bit now and find out what happened to four.

Juliet: MY RHODODENDRONS! Why? Oh why? What did they ever do to you Butler! WHAT?

Butler: I shoot most of the little fairies then pick up the pathetic dweeb who was faking unconsciousness.

Grub: I manage to have a conversation without mentioning my Mummy.

Butler: I threaten the little shrimp and then send him back to his people.

_**-Holly- **_

Holly: I throw my bed into the wall repeatedly for no apparent reason.

Bed and concrete wall: It's amazing how no one has ever even thought about considering our feelings.

Juliet: Crazy fairy-girl! STOPIT!

Holly: I WANT A DOLPHIN!

Juliet: I am apparently un-accustomed to sarcasm - which is rather odd considering I live with Artemis – and take the shrimp-girl seriously.

Holly: I give up. I can't even be sarcastically funny anymore. Go fetch fruit and veg, but no Sprouts.

Juliet: I proudly announce that I grow all our fruit and vegetables and leave.

Holly: I go back to bed banging.

_**-Back to little Arty- **_

Artemis: I am – worryingly – spying on my mother.

Butler: I enter complaining about little shrimp-people and their electric sticks.

Artemis: I ironically state that a dwarf could not get in here.

This section of chapter: Implies that Artemis is a bit of a pervert and that Butler is developing an irrational fear of sticks.

_**-Lets go see Root and Foaly- **_

Root: Wow would you look at that, I'm shouting! Who would have thought?

Foaly: I make a stupidly false rhetorical statement and get shouted at a bit more by Root.

Root: Stupid pony boy, push the button!

One and a half pages: We explain all about something no one cares about.

Root: …

Foaly: What?

Root: PUSH. THE. BUTTON.

**Foaly**: Pushes it.

Cudgeon: Eight hours.

Root: I know.

Cudgeon: You do? Damn! Everyone gets informed of stuff before me…

Root: That's because some of us have brains; piss off.

Cudgeon: OK, I'm gonna go play with Foaly's bio-bomb.

Root: Foaly get out of the computer.

Foaly: Hang on, almost got it…

Root: what?

Foaly: Nothing, nothing, just this carrot. Here, have a finger, if you feel threatened then this is the only backup you have. Don't pick your nose by the way.

Root: I don't pick my nose!

Foaly: Oh, and here, take a plastic arse too. You know, show Fowl how serious we are about the situation.

Root: Get back in your box Foaly.

_**-Artemis…-**_

Greenwich: Why do I keep getting mentioned? This is a children's book, it is commonly known that children are stupid if they haven't eaten their wheatabix!

Time: I have _stopped_.

Artemis: I switch the TV on only to discover it's frozen! They stopped time, no Spongebob-Square-Pants! Life just isn't worth living anymo- I mean excellent. Just as planned. I check on mother and then Holly.

**Me**: '_She was banging the bed again' _Great choice of words Colfer.

Holly: God damn the perverted minds of people today.

Artemis: I notice Root at the door and go to open it. After giving myself a quick mental lecture on being evil I invite him in.

Root: I struggle to contain my anger throughout the duration of the discussion and then take the video feed back for experts to review.

Argon: I – to Foaly's amusement - argue with my partner for several minutes until we both manage to agree that Fowl was telling the truth and we were arguing over nothing.

Root: I shout just a little more, kick the experts out and decide that as a law enforcer it's time to start doing illegal things.

Author's Note: OK The chapters get longer here so it's going to start being one of my chapters to every book chapters… And as requested (the FIRST time this fic was up) the characters communicate with each other a lot more, in fact almost all of the time.

EDIT: Changed a few things here, Artemis was quite OOC in some places.


End file.
